Saturday evening I watched a documentary called Embrace on Netflix, I highly recommend you watch it too. It was a about a women, Taryn Brumfitt, who posted a side by side picture of herself on social media a few years ago. On the left she was in a glitzy bikini for a fitness competition, ripped. On the right she was completely naked sitting on a stool and she was no longer in “fitness competition” mode but she was definitely still beautiful. I remember when this photo first showed up all over social media, she did many interviews about it because people were up in arms over it. Either cheering her on embracing her natural beauty OR ripping her apart saying disgusting things about her….like really awful things.
So she went on a journey to try to figure out why women are so hard on themselves.
I’m not going to sit here and say I’m super confident and love my body just the way it is, I mean I avoid the amazing Okanagan beaches so I don’t have to be seen in a bathing suit. I hate summer time because it’s hot and my thighs rub together. I won’t take side profile pics of myself because of my double chin. I wear Spanx under simple white tee because my stomach hangs over my pants. Kaitlyn and I joke about wanting “thigh gaps” which we know is absurd, I mean I’m ALMOST 36 and she has a juicy booty so it’s definitely not in our future. Plus if I had a thigh gap my phone would fall into the toilet when I’m checking all my snaps while I poop. But there are some things I take a stand on, when Kaitlyn first came into our lives I had to tell her that we don’t use the word FAT in our house especially around Stella. It took her a while to remember not to say it but now she even scolds other people who say it. I tell Stella almost everyday how much I love her juicy thighs and little tummy. When she talks about another girls hair or pretty clothes I try to remind her what matters is her brain and her heart and her soul.
But I’ll be honest I do wish I was in better shape. I don’t need to be stick skinny. I actually like the size I am but I wish I was healthier because I’m definitely not. First of all I’m weak, I get the light end of the box when we move shit at the shop. My endurance is awful, I get winded at the top of our stairs. And when I really think about it weight and image has been a major topic of conversation my entire life, I think it is for all women. As teenagers we share insane and incredibly unhealthy ways to lose weight. Starving yourself all day than chewing gum when you feel hungry, tried it but starving myself has never been an option, I just fucking love eating!! Purging, sadly I have quite a few friends who struggled with this as teenagers. I tried it once and could never actually make myself puke, turns out I’m an “emetophobe” I have an extreme phobia of vomiting….true story. Please don’t think I’m making light of these issues, I’m only being so blunt and honest about them because I know for a fact that well over half the ladies reading this have struggled with these illnesses or at least experimented with them. Probably more like 90% of the people reading this have and for some reason we don’t talk about it!!
This past year and a half Kaitlyn has been working her butt off to lose 30 lbs. And I couldn’t be prouder of her because she did it the old fashioned way, eating healthy and excercising 3-5 times a week. No pills, no crazy diets, no fasting or cleanses just hard work and dedication.
I on the other hand….
The idea of eating healthy is so foreign to me I literally snap chat Kaitlyn weekly saying “does this count as healthy??” I strongly believe that eating healthy is like being good with money, it’s not a skill you’re born with you have to be taught. I was taught neither growing up.
My favorite dish was fish sticks when I was a kid, like old school, literally shaped like a stick, fish sticks….with a shit ton of tartar sauce. Going out for dinner was McDonalds. We ate entire bags of Old Dutch BBQ and ketchup chips for breakfast on Saturday mornings while watching cartoons with huge A&W glasses of root beer….in the morning!!!! In the summer time my little sister and I would take those large glass measuring bowls with the spout and handle and use half a tub of vanilla ice cream to make huge milkshakes….daily! We ate No Name brandFruit Loops for breakfast every morning before school. (For the record Stella does not eat or drink like this at all. She’s never even had pop before except “ginger pop” when she has the stomach flu, but she does have a hankering for “treats” which is something we’re working on).
And on top of all of that we NEVER exercised! We joined every sport and dropped out a week later! My little sister played ball, my older sister played soccer, I played nothing….I was as a reader not an athlete.
And now here I am at ALMOST 36 and I still haven’t figured out this healthy eating and exercise thing. The amount of garbage I can shovel into my mouth in one sitting and not feel sick is astounding. Kaitlyn says if she ate like me she’d be 400 lbs. In my 20’s that would be something I’m proud of but now that I have a daughter it’s something I worry about everyday.
Stella is not overweight by any means but she’s no willow branch like some of the little girls in her dance class. As soon as she’s finished her dinner every night she says “can I have a treat now?” So for my daughters sake I want to get fit and healthy. Not “rhinestone bikini posing on a stage with a fake spray tan” fit but “go for a hike with my family and not need a snack and an inhaler” fit.
So we decided to do a little experiment. Starting May 1st I’m eating “clean” for 30 days. Last Sunday Kaitlyn came over and took all my measurements and helped me clean all the crap out of my cupboards. I’m basically following the Whole 30 plan, which requires a lot of planning. I’m one week in now and I feel pretty good. The first 3 days sucked because I had the worst headaches at night and was super nauseous. Saturday night I cheated for the first time, I made whole 30 brownies which were super bitter so we made homemade whip cream for Stella…..I slipped and added whip cream to mine as well. But I paid for it by nearly shitting myself an hour later. I also cheated yesterday when we made our first visit of the season to Davison’s and I had to have the blackberry frozen yogurt.
And I’ll be completely transparent here, I’m still vain, I mean I have botox in my forehead!!! But I really want to instill in my daughter that it’s more about taking care of yourself and being healthy than being skinny and beautiful.
I truly, truly hope I didn’t offend anybody in this post. I’m not an expert and I’m certainly the last person to take fitness or eating advice from. I’m just a woman and a mom trying not to fuck up my kid.